Kristian Glass - Do I Smell Burning?

Mostly technical things

Waiting and Hoping

(CW: Cancer)

So I got diagnosed with cancer (Primary Mediastinal B-Cell Lymphoma). Then I got treated (six cycles of R-CHOP chemotherapy and 36 Gy of mediastinal radiotherapy).

It’s very odd.

I’m glad active treatment is over for now – immunocompromisation, neuropathy and fatigue from the chemo weren’t fun, nor were daily radiotherapy trips and the fatigue I have at the moment, though I’ve been fortunate enough to come through it well.

At the same time, active treatment means a feeling of progress; each chemo dose, each radiotherapy session, feels like Something Is Being Done. What I have now is perhaps best described as Waiting and Hoping. I wait for December when I get the “is it gone?” scan, I hope I’m in the lucky ~80% who are completely cured, and then I hope it doesn’t come back, I hope I don’t get secondary cancer (because lol these cancer treatments are carcinogenic), and I try not to go bonkers with paranoia at every odd feeling I get!

It’s all a very strange juxtaposition – it sucks, it’s not fun, and I definitely wouldn’t recommend it – at the same time I’m fortunate that the prognosis is good, and it’s left me so happy and touched and grateful at how lucky I am to have received such wonderful treatment and care and concern from so many amazing people, from doctors and nurses to friends and family.

If nothing else I know what I’ll be asking Santa for this Christmas!

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